


Fall

by NightHeda



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, F/F, Protective Clarke, Self-Harm, clexa au, depressed Lexa, music references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-02 01:35:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 19,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11499006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightHeda/pseuds/NightHeda
Summary: Clarke is a teacher, Lexa works at a movie theater. Clarke is full of life, Lexa… isn't, and Clarke is driven to fix her.… Lexa and her demons. Will she give in, or can Clarke save her?Clexa AU. Rated M for strong/intense contents. (It's a dark one.) This story means a lot to me so double thanks if you choose to read it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader,
> 
> Thanks for stopping by. [This is one of my older works; In case it looks familiar – I've published this story on Fanfiction.net as well.] 
> 
> Note: I recommend you do not read this if you're under 16. According to fictionratings, this story is rated M due to intense contents. (Remember, this is just a suggestion.)
> 
> Feel free to comment or leave Kudos, or discuss this story or other things with me on [intagram](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas).

"Lex, can you help me with the popcorn after you've set up the projector?" Anya yelled across the small place. She waited for a moment for her friend to answer but when nothing came, she dropped the popcorn bag and went to find Lexa.

She found her in the small projection booth, with knitted eyebrows, focusing on one of the projectors. She couldn't read the brunette's face, so she wasn't sure whether it was safe to distract her, but she risked it.

"Lex?" The brunette almost jumped and finally turned to face her friend. "Sorry. Can you help me with the popcorn when you're done here?" Lexa stood still for a moment but nodded and then led her focus back to the projector.

"Um... okay then, thanks."

Anya knew that Lexa hated to help out at the snack bar, although her job was just to prepare the bags of popcorn and to maintain supplies. Normally, Anya was able to run the snack bar on her own, but it was the first day of a new movie and the huge number of film–goers today was more than surprising. Anya smiled. The tiny movie theater they were running had never had such a big audience ever since they started it and she was more than proud of having a full house.

Every once in a while she cursed her job but it were days like this that made worth all the occasional trouble.

The movie theater grew fuller and the waiting line grew longer, and Lexa was glad that Anya was quick in her movements so that there was yet no need to open a second line. She focused on the popcorn machine and prepared bag after bag, until she heard a person behind her clear their throat.

"Excuse me?"

Lexa turned around and looked at the customer on the other side of the counter, and waited for her to ask her question. She was stunning, Lexa thought, and she quickly lowered her head, feeling somewhat intimated by the sheer beauty.

"Could you maybe tell me where I can empty the ashtray?" The woman asked and Lexa raised her head in confusion. She didn't work there, why would she empty the ashtray? She narrowed her eyes, and the other woman spoke again, gesturing with her hands towards the entrance where the tray was placed.

"The ashtray, outside. It's full. Everyone here is busy so I thought since I used it, too, I might as well empty it. Can you tell me where?"

The woman smiled and Lexa's body stiffened as her heartbeat sped up. The blonde woman with those sparkling blue eyes and that raspy voice was really requesting to do her own job. And before Lexa could bring up the courage to talk, the blonde slightly raised her eyebrows in some kind of realization before she spoke again.

"I'm sorry, are you..." she faded and instead raised her hands to continue her sentence in sign language.

Anya, who had witnessed the scene laughed and came to help Lexa.

"No, that's Lexa. She's just shy." She grinned and was rewarded by a fierce glare of the brunette, but laughed and turned back to her customer, while Lexa took in a deep breath and shook her head.

"No, please. Don't... I will empty it in a minute." She said, obviously trying to look the blonde in the eye but just couldn't.

"Oh, okay. But only if you're not too–" the smiling blonde started but was interrupted by Lexa.

"No." The short word came out sharper than she had intended and the other woman opened her mouth but closed it again, taking a step backwards and then nodded. "Okay, then... thanks. Lexa." She smiled again and turned around.

Lexa lowered her head and looked at her feet, shaking her head. But she didn't have time to reflect on her behavior and she honestly didn't care either. She knew she had seemed a little harsh at the end of their conversation but that was mostly because she was annoyed by Anya, who knew exactly that Lexa wasn't _shy._ She sighed and went outside to clean said ashtray and then checked her watch, realizing it was time for her to go back to the projector booth and start the machines.

 

* * *

 

Lexa climbed out of her old black Mustang and quickly made her way to the small warehouse that she had converted into an apartment. It was outside of the city and the nearest neighbors lived two miles away.

She locked the door and typed in the security passcode, then made her way to the shelf that held hundreds of records, neatly organized by genre and artist. Her fingers danced over the covers until they stopped on a vinyl of her favorite band. _That'll do it._ She thought.

As the music blasted through the speakers, she slowly walked to the kitchen counter and looked at the bottles. _Jim._ She grabbed the whiskey and took a large sip, beginning to drown her thoughts in guitars and booze.

  _I'm scared to be close and I hate being alone_

 Drink.

  _I long for that feeling to not feel at all_

 Drink.

  _The higher I get, the lower I'll sink_

 Drink.

  _I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim_

Drink.

Half a bottle later, she went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. She didn't even bother to adjust the temperature, nor to put the bottle away. As the last chords of the song faded, she closed her eyes and leaned against wall, letting the heat turn her skin into an unhealthy shade of red, burning soft flesh on her neck.

The next song started and she took another sip. And another one. And another one. She wasn't crying, that was a good sign. Or not? She was thinking about her harsh response to the blonde woman and she felt anger boil up inside her.

 _Beat me black and blue_  
_Every wound will shape me_  
_Every scar will build my throne_

As the chorus boosted, she emptied the bottle and at the last word, she threw her fist into the wall.

Two whole bottles were needed for her to finally fall asleep that night. A good sign. It had been worse. But it had also been better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: [Bring Me The Horizon – "Can You Feel My Heart"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RS0Qi2bg12A)  
> [Bring Me The Horizon – “Throne”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow_qI_F2ZJI)


	2. Chapter 2

"You've seen better days, kid." Raven laughed when a grumpy Clarke padded through their apartment, eyes half closed, more groping than looking at the things she could bump into on her way to the kitchen.

"Coffee."

Raven laughed again and handed her a cup.

"Thank you." She said and after a first sip opened her eyes.

"So how was the movie? Sorry I couldn't make it, my boss is a bitch."

"It's okay. It was... interesting. I mean the theater itself was cool, super small and cozy and definitely built with love but the movie... I don't know. Weird. Strange. And then the–" Clarke started but stopped at the thought of her encounter with _Lexa_. She seemed to be shy indeed but something about her bothered Clarke.

"The what?" Raven asked but Clarke shook her head. "I'm gonna be late for work and I have to stop by the theater again, I lost my wallet there yesterday. Sorry Rae! We'll catch up later."

"You never have time for me!" Raven pouted playfully and Clarke let out a laugh and ruffled her friend's hair when she got up.

"But I love you, don't forget that! Later Rae!"

 

* * *

 

"You look like shit, Lex." Anya stated dryly when she entered the small room and spotted Lexa sitting next to the projector with a coffee in her hand, lazily tapping the lit.

"Thanks."

"Why are you here already? Isn't it your morning off?"

Lexa shrugged. "Couldn't sleep any longer."

Anya raised an eyebrow and nodded, then turned around and closed the door behind her, as she left the booth. She knew that _Couldn't sleep any longer_ was a code for _I woke early and emptied my stomach for half an hour_ , but she also knew that talking about it didn't help Lexa. At least not when it wasn't her to open up voluntarily, and Anya would not take the risk of poking and provoking her. She was glad that the brunette at least didn't drink at work. Or had stopped doing that.

She heard the front door open. "We're closed" she yelled and quickly made her way to the small entrance hall.

"Hey, good morning! I'm sorry, I left my wallet here yesterday, I think. Did you maybe find it?" Clarke started and Anya shook her head.

"No, I left shortly after the guests, my boss cleaned the place yesterday. Might try your luck there?"

Clarke nodded but didn't move, waiting for further instructions.

"Shit, right. Umm straight down that hall, second door left."

Clarke nodded again and hesitantly followed the directions. When she reached the door, she knocked and waited. She turned around to find Anya somewhere but the woman was gone, so she was left with the decision of waiting or just walking in. Chewing on the left side of her bottom lip, she slowly opened the door.

"I'm sorry to bother you but– Lexa, hey!" Clarke immediately smiled when she saw the brunette sitting in front of a small desk, leaning over some papers, obviously deep in thoughts. She only looked up at the mentioning of her name but didn't say anything though, again waiting for the blonde to speak.

"Um... well I left my wallet here yesterday, I think, and I was hoping you could–"

Lexa reached for the small black leather wallet in the upper desk drawer and handed it to the blonde.

"Thanks! That was easy... Sorry if I put you in any trouble with this and–" Lexa shifted into a more upright position, indicating some kind of an impatience, "...and for disturbing you. Could I... make up for it?" Clarke smiled shyly. She was intrigued by Lexa and she wanted to know why that was, because the stoic mask of the brunette wouldn't give anything away. Her smile faded though when Lexa shook her head.

"It's fine. Don't... worry." And with that, she turned back to the papers on her desk, leaving Clarke with the decision about whether it would be okay to insist on making up for it, or if it was better to leave the woman alone. She hesitated for a moment, and then turned around and carefully closed the door behind her. She waved Anya goodbye and quickly left the theater, wondering why the brunette was so closed off but the thought quickly faded when she realized that she would be inexcusably late for work.

 

* * *

 

"Lex, lunch!" Anya yelled, placing several boxes of chinese food on the coffee table in the staff room.

"Not hungry, thanks." Lexa mumbled when she entered the room, aiming for the coffee machine, but was stopped when Anya stepped in her way.

"You won't survive with only coffee, cigarettes and booze, you know?"

Lexa nodded. She knew. And she didn't care.

"Anya I don't want to fire you for denying me my coffee." She said dryly and tried to slip by the taller woman but was stopped again. She didn't fight being dragged to the couch. She watched carefully as Anya slid two boxes and chopsticks towards her. "Eat!"

Instead of grabbing the food, Lexa put one combat boot foot against the coffee table and leaned back.

"I'm gonna throw up if I eat."

Anya huffed and narrowed her eyes. "Yeah because you got wasted last night, because you didn't eat anything before that, so now you can't eat because you got wasted. That's a fuckin' doom loop, Lex, and you need to break it." She explained with a strong voice and pushed one of the boxes closer to the brunette. "Eat!"

Lexa sighed, grabbed the box and two chopsticks, got up and walked towards the door. "Later." She said and left the room, leaving Anya behind who shook her head. _Later_ meant _not today._ She was used to Lexa's long periods of malnutrition and heavy drinking, but she had thought at least the self–harm had stopped, until she noticed the bandage around Lexa's knuckles. She knitted her eyebrows. It must have been an incident that happened the day before but she couldn't think of anything. Everything had been normal. Her eyes slightly widened. No it had not.


	3. Chapter 3

"Griffin, movies tonight? I know you said it was weird but I really wanna watch it. You in?" Raven rambled as she enthusiastically threw herself on the blonde that was lying in her bed.

"Ugh Raven, seriously? That hurt."

"Sorry?" Raven apologized with puppy eyes. "So? Movies?"

"I don't know... I mean I'd go, for you, but the owner kinda hates me I think."

Raven snuggled into the blonde. "How could anyone hate you, babe?"

"She's just super closed off and she doesn't really speak at all and... I don't know."

"Claarrrkke, don't give a fuck about her, she's probably just PMSing."

Clarke grimaced and tried to pull her blanket over her head but Raven was quicker and pulled it away and off the bed, earning an angry glance from the blonde.

" _Okay_ okay, you won. I'm comin'."

 

* * *

 

It had already been a long day for Lexa and since Lincoln had called in sick, she was sitting in the pay booth now, feeling the last night's aftermath slowly crawling into her head. She'd been busy ignoring the physical pain but the emotional stress that was building up was more than nerve–wracking, and the long waiting line didn't really improve the situation, at all. Especially not, when she spotted _the blonde_ and another woman. A friend? A girlfriend? She was too tired to care.

"Lexa, hey!" Clarke said and instantly tucked her lips into a wide smile that reached her eyes when Lexa met her eye. She didn't answer though, she just raised her eyebrow.

"Um, two tickets, please?"

Lexa nodded, slid two tickets across the counter and took the money.

"Thanks..." Clarke waited for a moment for Lexa to answer but when she realized the brunette wouldn't reply, she continued, "Well have a nice evening. Bye Lexa!" and disappeared with her friend.

Lexa knitted her eyebrows. _Why is she always smiling like the whole world is a fluffy rainbow paradise? Why does she expect me to answer? Did she expect me to answer? Didn't she–_ but Lexa was drawn away from the circle of thoughts by the next customer.

 

* * *

 

"That's the owner?... Damn she really hates you. No actually I think she hates everyone. What's wrong with her?" Raven whispered as they walked into the small movie theater and Clarke shrugged. "I don't know." Was all she said and Raven raised an eyebrow before stopping Clarke.

"But you _want_ to know, don't ya?"

That question had caught Clarke off guard. She could not deny that she had been wondering what was going on in the brunette's head, and she could not deny the feeling that it wasn't just about her offer to help with the ashtray the other day.

"Yeah I... guess."

"Well then talk to her!" A grinning Raven suggested, before dragging Clarke towards their seats.

Clarke did not pay any attention to the movie, at all. Maybe, because she had already seen it, but mainly because she was thinking about Lexa. She caught herself smiling about the clothing style of the brunette, the black skinny jeans and the black combat boots, the black long sleeve with the washed–out band shirt over it and the smokey eyes make up. She also caught herself smiling about the long wavy brown hair and those deep green eyes. She was sure that if the _situation_ between them was different, she would be having a very hard time trying not to get lost in them.

But the situation wasn't different, and the only thing she could really see in the woman's eyes was sadness. Or pain. Or maybe both. It was hard to tell because the rest of her face always wore that _stoic mask_ as she had called it earlier. Halfway through the film, she excused herself to the restroom and left the cinema hall.

She carefully closed the door, then walked down the hall and stopped in front of the second door on the left. Exhaling slowly, she opened it and couldn't help but smile when she saw Lexa, focusing on the projector. She obviously hadn't noticed the blonde.

"Hey, I– oh God I'm sorry!" She said when Lexa jumped at her voice. "Can I come in?" She tried to keep her smile, even at the fierce green eyes that glared back at her.

"No." Lexa said in a hard tone.

Clarke hesitated for a moment, but walked into the room and sighed when she closed the door.

"Did I do something wrong?" Lexa shook her head. "Okay... is it something I said?" Lexa shook her head again and Clarke furrowed her brows, slowly walking towards the brunette. "Then why are you so angry?"

Lexa straightened her back and turned to face Clarke. "I'm not angry." She tried to keep her voice calm but it was beginning to be too much. Pushing people away usually worked well with short and sharp words, but now that beautiful, beautiful blonde woman stood in front her, asking her to explain why she was trying to push her away.

"Can you please go?"

"If you promise you'll be a bit nicer to me, because I was actually planning on seeing more movies here, I like that place." Clarke smiled and gestured around. Lexa remained silent for a long moment. She didn't want to be nice. She didn't even want to try. She wanted the blonde to leave her alone.

But at the same time, she didn't.

"I can't promise you that."

Clarke's shoulders slightly dropped and she took a step forward, causing Lexa to take a step backwards. They repeated the game until Lexa softly bumped into the cabinet behind her. Clarke did not push further though, she respectfully kept the distance. She did not want to intrude Lexa's personal space.

She softened her voice when she spoke again. "I'm Clarke." Lexa nodded but didn't say anything, so Clarke continued. "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable yesterday. Is there anything I can do to make up for it?"

"Buy her a coffee!" They jumped when they heard Anya's suggestion. Neither of them had noticed the woman entering the small booth, and Lexa's eyes grew wide when she realized what her friend had just said.

Clarke looked back at Lexa. "Would you like that?"

_No! No. I would not like that. Anya why did you–_

"Lexa?" Clarke's soft voice stopped her thoughts.

"Okay." Was all she managed to say and this time it were Clarke's eyes that widened and another smile appeared on her face.

"Okay! ... Tomorrow?" Lexa nodded. "Um... 10am?" Lexa nodded again.

 _This can't be happening. This cannot happen._ She thought while she saw Clarke leave the room, followed by a grinning Anya.


	4. Chapter 4

The music was blasting and Lexa emptied three glasses of vodka before she stepped into the shower. _I can't have coffee with Clarke tomorrow._ She thought. _I can't risk it._ The vocals began to scream the first lines and Lexa closed her eyes.

_So stay away from me, the beast is ugly  
_ _I feel the rage and I just can't hold it_

She tried to calm her breathing but the thought of a... date frightened her.

_It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls  
_ _It comes awake and I can't control it  
_ _Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head_

She wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at her reflection.

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin  
_ _I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun  
_ _I must confess that I feel like a monster_

She glanced at the edge of the shower, spotting the object of her desire immediately between the shampoo bottles.

_No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream_

She let out a sarcastic laugh. _Yeah_ , she thought, _maybe it's just a dream._ She drew her eyes away from the sharp razor, dried her body and threw on a washed–out bandshirt and boyshorts, grabbed the glass and left the bathroom.

At one point during the next song, she had put the glass away and grabbed the bottle instead. Nodding her head to the drums, she let her eyes wander around her apartment. Although it was big enough to easily fit in two families, there was only a bed, a couch, an armchair, a desk and a small closet. And the huge shelf with all the vinyls.

Her alcohol level had risen to a point where she had difficulties to walk straight forward. Not only did she lose that ability, she also lost the fight against the itching on her arms and shoulders and her skin was sore when, after two and a half bottles of vodka, she fell onto her bed, drunk enough to keep the dreams away.

 

* * *

 

Clarke was standing in front of the small café, waiting for Lexa. It was October and although the temperatures had fallen to a point where a jacket was indeed needed, the golden sun warmed her face.

Looking down on herself, she couldn't help but let out a small laugh about how different she and Lexa were. She was wearing white converse high tops, light grey skinny jeans and a blue blouse under a casual brown leather jacket. She smiled when she spotted Lexa, especially because her previous thought was confirmed, since the brunette wore her black combat boots, black ripped skinny jeans and a black hoodie. Her hair was pulled into a tight high ponytail, her eyes covered in dark make up again.

"Hey Lexa!" Clarke smiled and pulled the door open for the brunette.

"Hey... thanks."

_Inhale... exhale... slowly. calmly. You'll be okay. She doesn't know anything about you. And if you behave normally, it'll be fine._

They chose a table at a window in the back, and Lexa, insecure and uncertain about what to say, focused on sipping her coffee, not looking at the blonde who carefully studied every movement and every facial expression she could catch.

"You look tired." She finally said and Lexa nodded. _Say something! Something ordinary. Give her a normal reason for your tiredness!_

Clarke could see that Lexa was trying to form a sentence but the brunette remained silent, and the more she looked at Lexa's eyes, the redder they looked, and Clarke realized that there might be more that was responsible for the unhealthy look of the beautiful brunette in front of her, than just the lack of sleep.

"So the movie theater, it's yours?" Clarke asked and raised her eyebrows in surprise, when she saw the brunette's face slightly lighting up.

"Yeah I... bought it a few months ago and my friends Anya and Lincoln helped be build and decorate it, they also work there."

Clarke smiled. Apparently, it was something that made Lexa truly happy, _happy as she can be_ , the blonde caught herself thinking.

"It's really cool. I actually enjoy the cozy atmosphere that it provides." And that was the first time that she saw Lexa smile. It was a small smile, almost a shadow, but it was genuine.

"I've been a cinema fan since I was born basically. My dad always took me to drive–in theaters, making sure that on the one hand I could see the newest movies, and on the other hand watch all the old classics." She offered and was glad to see that she hadn't lost Lexa yet. In fact, the brunette was still wearing that soft small smile and Clarke wasn't sure if she was just happy about the woman's happiness, or if there was a bit more that this smile did to her.

"What's your favorite?" Lexa asked after a while.

"Probably _It Happened One Night_ , and a newer one would be _The Notebook._ Boring, I know, but there are really so many and it's so hard to decide."

Lexa nodded and took another sip of her coffee.

"What's yours?"

Lexa's brows slightly furrowed. She wasn't sure whether she should really tell Clarke about her favorite movie but she figured it was only fair to share, since Clarke had told hers, too. Before she could answer however, they were interrupted by a young man with brown hair. He had soft features but his eyes made Lexa feel uncomfortable. She knew a lot about people and could tell if they were a good or a bad one and this man was one of the bad ones.

"Clarke, hey."

And her assumption was confirmed by Clarke's reaction. The blonde slowly sat her cup down and turned her head into his direction but didn't bother to look up, instead answered with a voice so cold that it made Lexa shiver.

"Finn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Skillet – “Monster”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mjlM_RnsVE)


	5. Chapter 5

"Didn't expect to see you here, how are you?"

"What do you want, Finn."

"I saw you and just thought I'd..." his glance moved to Lexa for a second, before he continued, "say Hi."

"You did that. You may leave now." Clarke said quietly, still not looking at his face.

"Why are you so–"

"Didn't you hear her? She asked you to leave." Lexa interrupted him in a low voice, her fierce green eyes staring right into his, and he slowly took a small step backwards, hands raised in defense.

"Okay okay, I'm... Clarke we should talk though, don't you think? We–" He stopped when Lexa straightened her back in an intimidating motion that finally caused Finn to nod and leave.

Lexa quietly cracked her knuckles with one hand, and then faced Clarke, who looked back at her, with surprise in her eyes. But there was something else. _Anger?… Fear?_

She lowered her eyes and gently brushed her thumb over the coffee cup. "I'm sorry, I thought he... I'm sorry I interfered. I didn't mean to... make you uncomfortable."

"Thank you." Was all the blonde said and Lexa raised her head in disbelief. _Did she just say Thank You? But did I scare her? She looks scared. I screwed up._

"Lexa I'm–"

 _No... No. Leave. Now._ "I should go..." Lexa said quietly and without a second thought, she got up and quickly left the café, leaving a confused Clarke behind.

"... sorry." Clarke finished. "What the fuck was that?" she said to herself and watched as the brunette quickly walked past the window, and then she was gone.

 

* * *

 

_**Lexa (11:32am):** I'm not working today. Lincoln's girlfriend will help out._

Anya shook her head. Lexa never just took a day off. She worked everyday, unless she was too drunk or had a breakdown. She sighed and typed in an answer.

_**Anya (11:34am):** what happened, Lex? want me to come over?_

_**Lexa (11:42am):** No._

Anya knew what that meant and that there was nothing she could do. There was no way to reach the woman once she shut off.

_**Anya (11:43am):** at least promise me you'll eat something!_

She waited for a few minutes but her phone stayed silent. She tried to call Lexa, but she was instantly directed to the woman's voicemail.

"Goddamnit, girl."

 

* * *

 

Lexa was leaning on the kitchen counter, staring at each bottle in front of her, while the speakers threatened to explode.

_In the end, as you fade into the night_

_Who will tell the story of your life?  
_ _And who will remember your last goodbye?_

"This is bullshit." She mumbled at the bottles. She was trying not to grab one. Her inner voice told her to empty them all, but she knew that if she started drinking so early in the day, she would fall back into the hole she had so desperately been trying to escape. The abyss that would consume her. Drown her. Did she really want to go back there? Did she really want to risk it all for just one kick?

 _'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid  
_ _I'm not afraid to –_

"Die." she breathed out the last word of the chorus and grabbed the Jack.

 

* * *

 

"We're closed!" Anya yelled again across the movie theater when she heard the front door but she couldn't help but grin when she spotted the blonde that was, again, standing in the small place, visibly nervous.

"Sorry to bother you again, but um... is there any chance I can talk to Lexa?" She said quietly, trying to smile but previous events would deny her any expression of happiness, which didn't go unnoticed by Anya. The taller woman hesitated for a moment but since Clarke seemed to sincerely care, she made a few steps towards the blonde.

"Lexa doesn't work today. She..." Anya paused for a second to consider her next words, "called in sick."

Clarke furrowed her brows in confusion since Lexa had not seemed sick at all when she met her.

"She didn't look sick this morning."

Anya sighed and nodded, but her facial features softened as she spoke again. "Look, it's really nice of you to care about her, but I'm not gonna lie, the... state she's in is probably your fault." Clarke blinked as she raised her eyebrows in surprise and Anya felt sorry for her words but it was the truth, as she assumed, so she continued. "I think it's better if you leave her alone."

Clarke waited for the other woman to add something but nothing came. Clarke sighed. If whatever _state_ Lexa was in was really her fault, she wanted to know why and at what point she had fucked up.

"Can you at least tell me what it is that I keep doing wrong?" Clarke shifted her weight and lowered her eyes, "I feel like every time I talk to her she gets mad and I have no idea why."

Anya sighed. She felt sorry for the blonde in front of her, and she knew that it wasn't something that she had said or done that was wrong but that Lexa had met her. However, looking at Clarke's eyes, her heart softened and she chose to tell her the truth. At least as much as was needed for the blonde to understand.

"It's nothing you say or do, I need you to know that." She began and Clarke furrowed her brows. "Lexa has a... difficult past and she's very..." she faded as she searched for a word that would describe Lexa but not give anything away, "vulnerable. To be honest, I think she just shouldn't have met you."

Clarke raised her eyes to Anya's. Hearing those words hurt. Because she had hoped that it was about something she could fix, but she couldn't change that they _had met._ But they also hurt because she had begun to actually _feel_ something for Lexa and although she did not know what exactly it was, she wanted Lexa to know that she was there and that Lexa was not alone in whatever battle she fought.

Anya had carefully watched the blonde's reaction and when their eyes met, the desperation in Clarke's eyes tore down her walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Black Veil Brides – “In The End”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0EQlIzPowM)


	6. Chapter 6

She could hear the music blasting through the walls.

_Heaven's gone and hell is here_

Clarke took a deep breath and knocked.

_There's nothing left for you my dear_

She knocked again.

_So grab a glass and pour a drink_

She slowly opened the door and cautiously looked around.

_Learn to swim before you sink. Go!_

She walked through the ravaged apartment.

_I can't remember the last time I smiled_

She carefully removed the needle from the disc and the immediate silence sent chills down her spine. It was too quiet. She released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when she heard the clashing of glass on tiles and quickly made her way to the bathroom. As she reached the doorway, she froze.

Lexa was leaning against the bathtub, squatting on the floor with tucked up legs, elbows on her knees and her fingers grabbing the roots of long curls, her face buried in her arms.

"Hey..." Clarke said softly, as she slowly approached the picture of misery, and kneeled down in front of Lexa, unsure about whether she should touch the woman or not. She reached out and gently laid her hand on the brunette's upper arm whose head immediately shot up as she fought off the touch and tightly grabbed the blonde's wrist in one swift move.

It hurt but Clarke didn't move. Warm blue met fierce but dull green and Clarke gently laid her other hand on the tight grasp, softly motioning for the brunette to loosen her grip. Lexa's glance wandered between her hand and Clarke's eyes and when she realized she had hurt the blonde, she quickly released the wrist and pulled her hand back. She slurred an apology and Clarke's shoulders dropped; the woman in front of her was utterly drunk.

"Let's get you to bed, okay?" Clarke offered and Lexa closed her eyes but nodded after a moment.

"Can you stand?" Lexa let out a sarcastic laugh that pierced Clarke to her heart, but she didn't let it show and carefully lifted the brunette up.

It took them a while to reach the bed but Clarke could tell that Lexa was at least trying. As she sat the brunette down on the edge, her eyes dropped to a wet stain on Lexa's shirt.

"Lexa..." she said softly as she reached out to pull up the t–shirt but Lexa slapped her hand away once again.

"Please let me see that, Lexa." She tried again and this time, Lexa didn't fight her. She carefully pulled the shirt up until she saw the deep cut, surrounded by uncountable other scars. _Lexa..._ she thought but knew it would be a mistake to approach the topic. "I need to patch that up, Lexa." She said instead and motioned for Lexa to lift her arms, so she could pull the shirt off.

After treating the wound, she got a washcloth to wipe some sweat off Lexa's forehead and tucked the brunette in.

Clarke softly watched Lexa, whose eyes just stared into nothingness. They stayed silent for a long while, until Clarke gently wiped away a single tear that had escaped Lexa's eye.

"I couldn't stop myself..." Lexa whispered and slowly raised her gaze until she met the blonde's eye. "I really tried but I couldn't stop myself." A second tear rolled down her cheek. And a third. "I'm so sorry Clarke, for everything."

Clarke shook her head and gently tucked a strand behind the brunette's ear. She knew that there was so much more that Lexa was apologizing for, than just her current state and her behavior towards Clarke. "Don't be sorry, Lexa." She paused for a moment. "We can fix this, you know?" And Lexa gave in to the tears.

 

* * *

 

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there, softly rocking the woman that had curled up into her lap, while she gently caressed her back. She didn't know when the crying had stopped, but it must have taken a long while, because when she looked at the window, she realized that the sun was already disappearing behind the trees, bathing the room in a warm orange light.

"Lexa?" She said softly. Lexa didn't answer but a light twitch of her hand on her thigh told Clarke that she was awake. "You should drink some water." Lexa nodded. "I'll be right back, okay?" Lexa nodded again and shifted a little so that Clarke could get up.

As Clarke approached the kitchen, her view immediately fell on the collection of bottles that were neatly placed on the counter, and her gaze shifted towards Lexa who had closed her eyes again, and was now curled up into a fetus position.

She sighed as she spotted several empty bottles on the floor, and turned around to grab a glass from the cupboard.

"Here." She handed Lexa the glass who slowly sat herself up and took a sip.

"More." Clarke ordered calmly, and Lexa took another sip and finally emptied the glass, which was instantly refilled. "More." And Lexa obediently emptied the second glass.

"Good." The blonde smiled softly as she took the glass and put it on the nightstand. "Are you feeling a bit better?" She asked, turning back to Lexa, who nodded. "Do you want to get some sleep?"

"No." Lexa said quietly and Clarke understood. Whatever it was that was haunting the brunette probably plagued her even more in her dreams.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Stay..." Lexa said after a while but it was more of a question, her eyes filled with pain and fear. Fear that Clarke would refuse. Fear that Clarke would walk away. Fear that she would leave her alone. _Not tonight._ She secretly begged.

But Clarke did not refuse. She did not walk away. She did not leave her alone. She stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Asking Alexandria – “Let It Sleep”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7appuMrrn7U)


	7. Chapter 7

Lexa woke up with a throbbing pain in her head, the aftermath of her alcohol abuse. Her eyes wandered around and she quickly spotted Clarke who was curled up in the armchair next to the bed. When Lexa noticed the goosebumps on the woman's skin, she quietly got up, took her blanket and carefully covered the blonde, who shifted a little and slowly opened her eyes.

"I didn't mean to wake you up. I'm sorry, go back to sleep." Lexa whispered and Clarke smiled, already dozing off again.

She stood in the bathroom for some long moments, unsure whether she would have to throw up or not. When the queasy feeling faded, she went back to the kitchen, grabbed her phone and pressed the power button to switch it on. The screen was immediately spammed with texts and missed calls from Anya. She sighed. The woman's insistence wracked her nerves, but she knew that Anya always meant well, and Lexa just couldn't be angry with her.

_**Lexa (5:49am):** I'm sorry I did not reply. Don't worry. I'm okay. I promise._

_**Anya (5:50am):** are you working today?_

_**Lexa (5:55am):** Probably not._

_**Anya (6:02am):** was Clarke with you yesterday?_

Lexa wouldn't notice, but she smiled.

_**Lexa (6:03am):** She still is._

On the other side of the town, Anya stared at her phone. On the one hand, she was glad that Clarke had really gone to look after Lexa, after she had given her the brunette's address, on the other hand she was concerned. No, she was scared. _Please don't let her hurt you, Lex._

Lexa brought the coffee machine to life and grimaced at the loud _Beep_ when the machine started, hoping that it hadn't woken Clarke. She released a breath and smiled as she turned around to a still sleeping blonde.

She poured herself a cup, quietly walked back to her bed and sat down on the edge. Sipping her coffee, her eyes kept wandering back to Clarke, whose slow breathing calmed Lexa more than she realized. _How can a human being be so beautiful?_ She thought and for the first time in months, her eyes filled with warmth.

 

* * *

 

"When was the last time you ate something?" Clarke wondered aloud as she stared into a yawning void.

"A while ago?" Lexa offered while Clarke closed the fridge and straightened her back. "Lexa. Did you pay attention in school when they explained that a human body actually needs nutrients, which – surprise – it gets from food?"

"Must've missed that."

Clarke shook her head. "I'll give you some extra lessons then. Get dressed!" She smirked as she went to put on her shoes, and fortunately, Lexa followed her instructions.

 

* * *

 

"Okay this–" Clarke held up an apple and an orange, "are vitamins. C, to be exact. It's good for your teeth and skin. Oh and it strengthens your immune system. And it lowers the risks of getting nasty stuff. Cancer for example."

Lexa let out a laugh and nodded, watching Clarke throw several fruits into the cart.

"These–" Clarke continued as she pushed the trolley towards the dairy cases and pointed at milk bottles and yoghurts, "give you Calcium. Your body needs that to–"

"Keep bones healthy and support nerve impulses." Lexa finished the sentence and Clarke raised her eyebrows.

"Exactly. You paid more attention than you like to admit, huh?" She laughed but Lexa just shrugged. "Well then, _Miss Expert_ , go fill this cart with healthy shit!"

 

* * *

 

Back at the apartment, Lexa began to clear the mess she had caused the day before, while Clarke stored the groceries, musing about what to make for breakfast that Lexa's malnourished body would actually tolerate. She opted for fruits, cereals and yoghurt and turned around to ask Lexa whether that would be okay, and smirked when she realized she was being watched.

"What?" She asked softly and raised an eyebrow.

Lexa's cheeks flushed when Clarke caught her staring. Narrowing her eyes, she slightly tilted her head. "How come you master sign language?"

"I teach deaf–mutes."

"You're a teacher?"

Now it were Clarke's cheeks to blush. Not because of discomfiture, but because she loved her job. "Yeah... English and art." She said while her lips formed a smile, and the soft smile that Lexa offered her in return warmed her heart.

"When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a teacher."

"I'm sure you'd be a great teacher." Clarke's smile reached her eyes about the image of Lexa in a classroom. Maybe, if the brunette had chosen a different path at one point earlier in her life, she would actually be a teacher now. Almost unnoticeably, Lexa's smile faded. And maybe, Clarke thought, Lexa would be different now, too. _Happy._

She hesitated for a moment but kept the next question to herself; Lexa was opening up to her and she did not want to screw things up.

"Cereals and fruits for breakfast?" She asked instead and a nodding Lexa tucked her lips back into a soft smile.

 

* * *

 

"Where have you been all day?" A pouting Raven approached Clarke as the blonde entered their apartment. "And last night?" She added, and realizing Clarke had been gone even longer, she continued, "And yesterday?"

"Happy Sunday to you too, Raven." Clarke rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious, it was movie night yesterday... Clarke, Saturday nights are movie nights!" Raven questioningly raised her hands.

"Sorry Rae, something came up that I had to take care of." Clarke offered, hoping it would satisfy her friend. It didn't.

"Something or someone?" Raven grinned and wiggled her eyebrows and Clarke instantly threw a pillow into her face.

"None of your business, Rae." She smiled, although she didn't really feel like smiling. She had stayed with Lexa until she was sure that the brunette was somewhat stable and made sure that Lexa would eat something for dinner, too. She did, however, not empty the bottles of hard liquor. Lexa had promised her she wouldn't touch them, at least not during the day, and she wanted to trust her on that.

And although Lexa's state had improved and even some color had returned to her face, Clarke was worried. It wasn't too much about the brunette's alcohol abuse, and who knows what else, since she had of course noticed the punctures that covered the crooks of her arms. No, it was because of the scars. She knew those straight white lines, some thinner some thicker. And she knew how broken a person must be to take this step. What scared her the most was that the scars had healed and the freshest were at least five to six months old... except for one.

She excused herself and put Raven off until the next week, and went to her room.

She hadn't slept much the night before, and she struggled to keep her eyes open as her eyelids kept growing heavier and heavier. She snuggled into her blanket, exhaled slowly, and fell asleep to the hope that someday, Lexa would tell her the stories behind her scars.


	8. Chapter 8

Lexa was staring at the bottles, just like on countless days before. But today was different. She wasn't leaning on the counter they were placed on, instead she was leaning back against the stove on the opposite side of the kitchen, with her arms crossed. She had been standing like this for half an hour, closely inspecting each one of them. _I can do this._ She kept repeating, trying to silence the voice in her head that, in return, kept telling her to take a sip. Not get drunk. Just take a small sip to feel better.

 _I don't feel so bad._ She thought to herself. _But 'not so bad' is not enough._ She sighed. She was so tempted to give in, but she had made a promise. To Clarke. And that meant something to her. Because _Clarke_ meant something to her.

She pushed herself off the stove and walked across the apartment and towards her vinyls. She let her gaze slowly wander up and down the shelves until one cover caught her eye.

She calmly breathed out as she carefully lowered the needle until it touched the record. The first chords of the song played, but she didn't move, she just stood still and listened.

 _All this pain_  
_I wonder if I'll ever find my way_  
_I wonder if my life could really change, at all_  
_You make beautiful things  
_ _You make beautiful things out of the dust_

Halfway through the song, she walked to the other side of the apartment, switched on the bedside light and sitting down on the edge of her bed, grabbed her phone.

_**Lexa (10:18pm):** Thank you for everything, Clarke._

 

* * *

 

Clarke woke up early since she had fallen asleep way earlier than usual as well. She yawned and fumbled around, aiming for her phone but accidentally wiped it off the nightstand. "Shit" she mumbled and quickly reached down – and lost her balance, hitting the ground with a thud, "Fuck my life." She rolled her eyes and pressed the home button.

_10:18pm – Lexa sent you a message_

Clarke quickly opened the text. She was glad that she had given Lexa her number, _"In case you need some more extra lessons about nutrition"_ , and a smile spread across her face as she read the brunette's message, and it slowly faded as she read it again. And she furrowed her brows as she read it a third time.

She slowly lifted herself up onto the edge of the bed and scratched the back of her neck, until she typed in a reply.

_**Clarke (6:04am):** Are you okay?_

She waited for some long minutes but her phone stayed silent, so she got up and followed the scent of fresh coffee. _Mental Note: Thank Raven more often for making coffee everyday._

After a long warm shower and getting ready for the day, she grabbed her keys and left the apartment.

_**Clarke (8:59am):** First class in a minute and I didn't even have breakfast. I'm such a hypocrite. ;)_

She climbed out of the car and quickly made her way into the school building, just in time for the bell to ring.

 

* * *

 

It was a typical Monday and Clarke felt the rather emotional exhaustion from the weekend in every bone. She hadn't heard from Lexa when she checked her phone during lunch break and there was still no message before she climbed into her car after school had finished at four. Hoping that Lexa had replied during her drive home, Clarke pulled out her phone again but since it hasn't buzzed either, she knew there was nothing to expect.

Sipping her tea, she reread Lexa's text over and over again. _What's her tone? Is it hopeful? Is it thankful? Or is it of a darker kind?_ She sighed. _Calm down, Clarke. She's busy. She'll reply when she's free._

But Lexa did not reply, and Clarke did not calm down.

 

* * *

 

Lexa had woken up long before sunrise, and she had felt it. The fog that had been slowly crawling up her spine, over her neck until it had finally reached its destination, clouding her mind. The night had been restless, her own screams had woken her several times, but she had been too tired to stay awake, which would only have been a weak attempt of not letting the gloomy thoughts prevail. She knew it took much more than just staying awake to keep her demons away.

She gave in to the itching under the scalding steam, scratching until she felt scraped off skin under her fingernails and noticed the raw wound below the crook of her arm.

She read Clarke's text when she poured her first cup of coffee. She typed in the fourth attempt of a reply when she poured a second cup, and she deleted the eighth reply as she skillfully mixed the perfect amount of rum into the third cup.

The day went by slowly, she went to work much earlier than necessary, she cleaned her projectors, she let Anya's outburst wash over her and heard her slam the door after a never–ending explanation about disappointment that had been left unacknowledged.

She went home and turned up the volume in an attempt to drown the voices in her head. She kept staring into her own reflection in disgust and let out a cynic laugh.

She did not curse herself when she opened the second bottle. She did not listen to her body when she brought it to her lips after she had vomited for the second time.

She tried to push the thoughts about Clarke away and the feeling of guilt that came with the image of the blonde, well aware that she had broken the promise, after just a few hours. She had not even tried.

And she finally went to bed, knowing that she had lost the fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Gungor – “Beautiful Things”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1spkhp41ig4)


	9. Chapter 9

Tuesdays were prep days, so technically, Clarke had them off. It was early in the morning and she was standing at the door of the small warehouse again, and although she had been confident on her way, uncertainty was now taking over. She hadn't heard from Lexa the day before. At first, she had assumed that the brunette was busy but when no text came at all, another thought slowly formed in her mind. Maybe Lexa did not want to talk to her. Maybe Lexa had spoken with Anya and figured that she wanted Clarke to leave her alone, so she shut off completely.

Either way, Clarke had to know, and she finally knocked. Waiting for a long moment, she debated whether she should knock again or just check whether the door was open, but her question was answered when Lexa opened the door, struggling to keep her balance, and Clarke's gaze wandered down to the bottle in her hand and back up to dull eyes.

Without a word, she reached down to take the bottle and motioned for Lexa to go back inside.

"It's eight in the morning, Lexa." She stated calmly as she put the bottle back on the counter while Lexa lurched towards her bed and sat down on its edge.

"Stay there and don't move, I want to have a look at the wound on your arm, I think it's infected." She continued as she made her way to the bathroom and returned with several utilities to patch up Lexa's arm.

She kneeled down in front of the woman, looking into green eyes filled with pain and guilt, and reached out to softly lay her hand on the brunette's knee but Lexa immediately winced at the touch, causing Clarke to quickly pull her hand back.

"Don't touch me there." Lexa slurred, unable to meet Clarke's eye and a sense of foreboding crawled into the blonde's mind. She sighed and waited for a moment until she spoke again. "May I see your arm?" Quietly, she began to clean the rubbed sore skin that was indeed infected, so she slowly moved her hand towards Lexa's forehead but stopped before touching it. "I just want to look if you have a fever, okay?" Lexa stayed still and quiet, letting Clarke touch her, and the blonde slightly nodded when her hand met hot skin.

Carefully wrapping a clean bandage around the brunette's arm, she spoke. "I need you to lay down, okay?" Lexa opened her mouth in order to protest, but Clarke calmly continued, "You don't have to sleep. I just want you to lay down to calm your circulation."

Lexa nodded and slowly followed the order, but grasped Clarke's wrist as she blonde moved to get up, earning a soft smile from her. "I'm not going anywhere, Lexa. Let me just get you some water, okay?... I won't leave you." She said calmly, well aware of the begging in Lexa's eyes. "I promise."

 

* * *

 

"Why are you doing this?" Lexa asked after a long while of silence during which Clarke had occasionally wiped some sweat off Lexa's forehead.

"Doing what?"

Lexa shifted a little to face Clarke, "Helping me."

Clarke remained silent for a moment, considering her words and inhaled slowly before she answered. "Because none of this is your fault, Lexa."

Lexa slightly huffed and closed her eyes, feeling tiredness take over. After falling asleep for an hour the previous night but waking up to heavy breathing and a thin layer of sweat on her skin, she had tried to stay awake and it had worked, mostly. But now the interplay of fever, alcohol and emotional and physical exhaustion was too strong for her to fight it.

Clarke noticed Lexa's struggle. Softly brushing her thumb over the brunette's hand, she whispered, "I'm here. Get some sleep. It's okay." And she smiled when Lexa's worry crinkles faded as her face softened into a peaceful look, and her breathing evened out.

 

* * *

 

"I don't even know your last name." Lexa realized aloud as she stared into her tea cup.

She had slept for four hours and felt noticeably stronger and refreshed, since there had been no nightmares troubling and interrupting her sleep, and she didn't know but Clarke had not left her side. She had used the time to answer some of her students' e–mails, sometimes struggling since she only had had one hand to type, but she had refused to move her other hand from Lexa's back which she had been caressing most of the time, only pausing to relax her muscles but even then, she at least let her thumb brush softly over the brunette's shoulder blades.

Clarke let out a small laugh, "Griffin. I don't know yours, either."

"Woods." Lexa replied, still focusing on the small steam clouds that escaped the cup in her hands, until she lifted her eyes to look at Clarke who was sitting at the end of the bed. "Tell me something about you."

Clarke snorted playfully. "My life is boring as hell, there's not really much I could tell you."

Lexa slightly tilted her head and Clarke sighed but nodded. "Okay... Well I'm twenty–six, I'm an English and Art teacher. Been doing that for a year now and I really like it. My mom's a doctor, my dad was an engineer, I have no siblings... I share an apartment with my best friend, Raven. You actually know her. Well, you've seen her, the other day at your work?" Lexa nodded, she remembered. "Yep. That's her. She's great. Weird, but great."

She stopped to take a sip of her tea as well before she continued. "I always wanted to travel but I never really had the money and now that I have the money, I don't have the time... Scandinavian countries have always fascinated me, as well as Oceania– what?" She smirked when she noticed Lexa's raised eyebrow.

"I'm half Australian." Lexa explained and Clarke's eyes widened. "Really? That's amazing! Does your family live there? Have you been there? Do you go there often?" Clarke was too excited to stop rambling but she did notice the change in the brunette's eyes. "Sorry, didn't mean to be so nosy. Don't mind me... how old are you?"

"Twenty–seven."

"Pff old biddy!" Clarke laughed and dodged the washcloth. "Missed!" She laughed as she leaned back to grab the cloth, then lazily threw it back to Lexa who easily caught it.

"Don't try me." The brunette smirked and playfully raised an eyebrow as she brought the tea cup back to her lips, and Clarke's heart melted. _This is a carefree Lexa,_ she realized, and she vowed to herself to do anything to bring this side of Lexa back.


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke had gone home for several hours to get some work done and actually use the preparation day for preparations, but now she was on her way back to Lexa for dinner because she wanted to make sure that the woman ate something. The thought that she might be slightly manipulative crossed her mind for a moment, since she used dinner as some kind of a pretense as well but it wasn't just because she wanted to check on Lexa.

She also wanted to spend time with her, and she calmed her conscience when she realized that if she really was mothering her, she would have thrown the booze away, which she hadn't. She still trusted Lexa, despite the woman's previous slip and she was still hopeful. And she knew that in the end, if Lexa didn't want her help, she would have to accept and respect that decision, since Lexa was an adult and free in her will.

 

* * *

 

A smile spread across her face when she spotted the brunette sitting on the step in front of her house, wrapped in a warm blanket, gazing over her flower beds. As Clarke had figured out so far, there were two things that Lexa truly and deeply cared for, her projectors and her flowers. Her vinyls, too, of course, but music was a different story.

"I made hot chocolate, it's inside if you want some." Lexa said as Clarke approached her and the blonde smiled and nodded but sat down next to the other woman instead. She enjoyed the silence that she shared with Lexa and although there was so much she wanted to ask her and so much she wanted to tell her, the calmness that radiated from the brunette was all she needed in this moment.

Clarke spotted a few butterflies that had not yet indulged in their winter sleep while Lexa took a nip of her hot chocolate every once in a while, until she softly spoke, "I'm sorry about your dad."

Clarke remained silent for a long moment until she turned her head to face Lexa and slightly narrowed her eyes, tucking her lips into a small smile. "I'm sorry, too." She did however not mean her father's death, but rather everything that had happened that was haunting Lexa to this day, and when the brunette softly nodded, she knew that Lexa understood.

 

* * *

 

"You know what I don't get?" Clarke asked between two bites, causing Lexa to raise an eyebrow while leaning back in her chair, "Your cooking skills are divine and yet you said you never cook." She shook her head, "I swear if I were you, I'd cook the whole day."

Lexa's left cheek twitched into a smirk. "I'm serious," Clarke continued, pointing her fork at the brunette, "if you don't want to cook for yourself, at least cook for me, this is– oh sweet Jesus." She rolled her eyes at the first bite of the steak.

"Well I'll go along with that!" Lexa laughed lustily and Clarke's eyes lightened up while her heart melted once again. It was the first time that she had actually heard Lexa laugh like that, and she remembered her vow. _Yes, I'll do every–fucking–thing to bring this side back._

"We're throwing a party on Friday," Clarke changed the topic, "it's Raven's birthday on Saturday and we're going to celebrate to the night. Nothing big, just a few friends, so if you have nothing better to do, you're very welcome." A smiling Clarke offered, earning a smile and a nod in return.

 

* * *

 

They'd been busy for the rest of the week hence did not see each other, but they'd been texting a lot, especially in the evenings, and Clarke was thankful. Thankful that Lexa had not shut off yet, thankful that Lexa actually opened herself up to her, and thankful that Lexa approached her when her mood threatened to take a turn into a darker direction. Clarke knew that there was nothing she could do but trust the brunette and hope that she wouldn't go back to fighting her battle all by herself, and Lexa knew that, too.

She hadn't touched a single bottle since Tuesday morning, but not for her own good. No, she did this for Clarke, and it was working.

She had busied herself with the movie theater, drawing up new screening schedules and going through finances and calculations over and over again in order to create the possibility of making Octavia a permanent employee.

Friday came and Lexa finished work earlier to get a shower and choose a somewhat presentable outfit. She opted for black low waist skinny jeans and a tight grey button up, only her combat boots would stay. She carefully rolled up the shirt's sleeves and applied some dark but decent make up and opened her ponytail to let long brown waves fall over her shoulder. She cocked her head at her reflection for a moment but finally nodded, grabbed her keys and left the house.

Lexa exhaled slowly and knocked on the door. She could hear music playing in an average volume level but had no time to figure out the artist when the door swung open a second later.

" _Claarrrke your stud is here!_ " Raven yelled across the apartment, not bothering to accept Lexa's handshake offer, instead grabbed her wrist and pulled her inside. Lexa was utterly uncomfortable with this touch but she clenched her teeth in enormous self–control instead, holding back a fierce reaction. She only released her breath when she spotted the blonde in the kitchen, turning around just in time when Lexa approached her and Lexa felt her heartbeat speed up at the sight. The blonde was wearing a short black dress, a white blazer and black heeled sandals and she looked stunning, but Clarke's smile and her sparkling eyes when she saw the brunette standing right in front of her, stole Lexa's breath.

"Hey" Clarke said softly, "I'm glad you came."

Lexa regained control over her brain and breathing, "Me too." She smiled. "You look beautiful."

Clarke's cheeks blushed as she bit the left side of her bottom lip, letting her gaze wander down and back up the brunette, but before she could return the compliment, someone turned up the volume and _Tobu & Itro's 'Sunburst' _blasted through the place.

Clarke's eyes lightened up once again and before Lexa realized what was happening, Clarke gently grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the improvised dance floor in the living room.

The more the song built up, the closer the two women moved towards each other and when the abrupt acoustic like bridge started, they slowed down and Clarke softly wrapped her hands around the back of Lexa's neck, causing the brunette to shiver slightly when their eyes met, and Lexa gently rested her own hands on the blonde's hips as the song slowly built up again. Lexa did not notice her weak knees and she did not notice her slightly shaking hands. The only thing she felt were soft lips as she closed the gap when the beat dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tobu & Itro – "Sunburst"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lXBHD5C8do)


	11. Chapter 11

The warmth in her stomach and the tingling in her hands from the soft way their lips moved against each other made it harder for Lexa to breathe. She gently pulled Clarke closer until their bodies met, slightly shivering when she felt Clarke curl her fingers to softly scratch the back of her neck with her fingertips.

Although she really wanted to, Clarke did not deepen the kiss. The way Lexa's soft lips slowly caressed hers was enough. It was perfect. When the song ended, she moved one hand to Lexa's cheek and with a brush of her thumb, she gently pulled away.

The loss of Clarke's lips almost hurt but the feeling immediately faded when Lexa opened her eyes to a smiling blonde, and Lexa smiled back, until she felt the emotions crushing down on her. The sensation of gentle touches and soft lips, careful yet passionate, overwhelmed her. No one had ever kissed her like Clarke had.

But the moment was over before they knew when Raven called for the first round of shots, and Clarke noticed the instant change in the brunette's eyes. A feeling of guilt washed over her when she realized that she had thrown Lexa to the wolves by inviting her to a party filled with bibulous people, so she quickly reached for the brunette's hand, gently pulling, motioning for Lexa to follow her.

 

* * *

 

"I'm sorry," Clarke said, her cheeks blushing, "I totally didn't think this through." They were sitting on the steps of the fire escape outside the apartment.

Lexa puffed out some smoke but smiled at Clarke when she replied. "It's a party, Clarke. I knew what I'd get myself into here. Don't worry. Please."

Clarke nodded and took another drag, drawing her gaze back to the street below them. The music boomed through the apartment but outside, its volume allowed a normal conversation.

Lexa's smile never fully left her lips while Clarke had slightly furrowed her brows, cursing herself for actually inviting Lexa to a birthday party. _Raven's_ birthday party. She herself hadn't had a drink so far, but now that the beautiful brunette was here, she wouldn't have a drink at all. She flicked the stub away, then turned her head to face Lexa and caught the woman staring.

"What?" She smiled.

Lexa hesitated for a moment before she spoke. "That was my first kiss."

Clarke blinked, raising her eyebrows in surprise. "Really?"

The brunette smiled and nodded, then slightly lowered her head, dropping her gaze to her hands.

"You should've told me! I could've made it... so much better and more I don't know..." Clarke scratched her shoulder, "romantic?"

Lexa's eyes wandered back to Clarke's as she shook her head, smiling shyly. "It was perfect."

 

* * *

 

They went back inside when they heard the countdown to Raven's big day.

" _Nine... eight... seven..."_

Clarke leaned forward until her lips brushed against Lexa's ear who slightly shivered, "I gotta go to Raven, best friend's obligation y'know."

" _... six... five...four..."_

Clarke pulled away, smiling when Lexa nodded, and went to elbow her way through the guests,

" _three... two... one..."_

Clarke tightly wrapped her arms around Raven, "Happy Birthday, babe!" She left a smooch on her best friend's cheek, "I love you so, so much Rae!"

Raven smiled and tightened their embrace, "I love you too, Griffin!"

They stood like this for almost thirty seconds until their friends around them started to whine and pull Clarke away so that they could congratulate Raven as well.

 

* * *

 

 _Tobu's "Colors"_ blasted through the speakers and Lexa was doing the best she could to appear carefree, but she would have been lying if she said that the strong scent of alcohol did not affect her. She felt the itching on her arms and shoulders but did everything to win the fight against it. She could not give in to her demons. Not on this birthday party. Not with Clarke by her side.

 _Clarke..._ The woman that was drinking non–alcoholic drinks for her, shrugging it off when people asked her why she was being teetotal. The woman that immediately tucked her lips into a warm smile when their eyes met, the woman who had faith in Lexa, no matter what. The attentive woman who stayed close and softly took Lexa's hand whenever she noticed a change in the brunette's eyes.

The woman who had given her a perfect first kiss. The woman who was simply there for her.

They were sitting on the couch, close to each other but not touching. A few friends sat on the floor but they did not pay attention to the two women, and the two women did not pay attention to them since their surroundings were long forgotten.

Both could feel the intense chemistry between them, and Clarke wanted nothing more than to brush her thumb over the brunette's thigh but knew she couldn't, and Lexa was well aware of the twitching of Clarke's hand, stopping herself from touching Lexa knee upwards. She smiled about Clarke's respectfulness, but when their eyes met and Clarke gently pulled her in for another tender kiss, something inside her changed and before knowing what it was, she reached for Clarke's hand and softly placed it on her leg.

Clarke felt her hand being moved by Lexa, and her breathing stopped for a second when she realized where the brunette had placed it, and she gently pulled away to look at Lexa. She knew how big this step was and her heart skipped a beat at the thought that Lexa made this step with her. She was the one Lexa trusted enough for this new chapter, and when a soft smile spread across the brunette's face, followed by a reassuring nod, Clarke gently but determined crashed their lips back together, and she knew in this moment, that she had desperately fallen for Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Tobu – “Colors”](https://youtu.be/eyLml-zzXzw)


	12. Chapter 12

"What the fuck was I thinking." Raven whined when Clarke entered the kitchen. She crossed her arms on the table and dropped her head on them, and Clarke couldn't help but let out a small laugh at the hungover picture of misery in front of her.

She felt sorry that it was only Raven who was suffering from the partying because usually, it was both of them whining the next morning, finding comfort in the fact that they both had the same struggle, but at the same time, she was glad because it was the first time that she felt awake and fresh and, well, alive after a party. She did not regret staying sober because it had been for Lexa. Although the brunette had told her more than once that it would be okay if she had a drink, or two, Clarke had refused to drink nonetheless.

She smiled and got herself a coffee. "Did you at least have a good time?" She asked sitting down on the opposite side of the table and Raven raised her head smiling too.

"Yep!" She nodded and immediately brought her hand to her forehead, "Ugghh... a bit too much though." She whined and then froze for a second, her eyes wandering back to Clarke's. "What about you? All hearty eyes and kissy?" She grinned and wiggled her eyebrows while Clarke tucked her lips into a shy smile but didn't say anything.

"The movie theater owner doesn't hate you too much if you ask me." Raven laughed and Clarke poked her tongue out at that but blushed, causing Raven to immediately stop her laughing.

"Oh my God."

"What?"

"You like her!" Raven stated and was confirmed when Clarke lowered her eyes, her cheeks blushing even more. "You... oh my God. Clarke do you... are you..." Raven tried but she didn't want to actually use the word, remembering Clarke's last relationship and how hurt the blonde had been, falling in love with a guy who had kept cheating on her.

"Yeah I... yeah." Was all Clarke said, knowing exactly what Raven meant. Her friend hesitated for a moment, not sure whether she should find it good or bad that Clarke was in love with Lexa, but then she remembered how Lexa had looked at her, like Clarke was everything, like she would go to the end of the world for her, and she shot up and pulled the blonde into a tight hug that lasted for some long moments until she pulled away again, eyebrows slightly knitted.

"Why didn't you jump her then? I mean yesterday." Clarke questioningly raised an eyebrow so Raven continued, "Usually you straddle your hook–ups and push your tongue down their throats the moment they enter a room but you didn't even like... touch her."

Clarke's heart dropped, her smile fading at Raven's observation. Her first thought was that it was none of Raven's business, but she was her best friend and they had been through the best and also worst times together, so she reluctantly spoke.

"Lexa is..." she faded out, unsure how to approach the topic and Raven waited patiently, "–different." Clarke dropped her gaze to her cup. "She never said anything about it but one time I just wanted to touch her knee, like in a comforting gesture, but she freaked out and I've seen those reactions before from people who were... who have... from people." She finished, hoping Raven would understand. And Raven understood.

"And she's not a hook–up." Clarke added quietly, her eyes wandering back to Raven's, who understandingly nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry I just... shit I'm sorry Clarke. I know you lo– like her..." she paused for a second, "fuck that. I know you love her. I didn't mean to upset you it's just that..." her mind wandered back to the new information about Lexa, "I had no idea, I just thought you two... I don't know what I thought. So..." she sipped on her coffee, "you won't have sex with her?"

Clarke went deep into thoughts, knitting her eyebrows and chewing her bottom lip. She remembered how Lexa had moved her hand to her leg and she had seemed to be okay with that touch, but that did not mean that she was okay with Clarke actually _touching_ her.

"I don't know." She finally said, "I mean I... want to because I want her to know how beautiful and kind and smart and... perfect she is. I want to show her that she deserves love, and to be loved, you know? But if she doesn't want to sleep with me, I'll accept that and I definitely won't push her. I'm fine with a non–sexual relationship."

Raven listened carefully but shook her head as Clarke finished.

"What?"

"Clarke. You're the most sexual person I know and you just said that you're okay to not have any sex at all? Like for the rest of your life?"

Clarke remained silent for a long moment, reconsidering Raven's words. There was so much truth in them; sex was an essential part of a relationship for her, well of her life really, and she had never thought she'd give that up. But Lexa was more important than that. Lexa was the first person she would give sex up for. And her heartbeat sped up realizing again how hard she had really fallen for the brunette.

"Yeah."

 

* * *

 

_**Anya (9:34am):** are you alive? ;)_

Lexa stared at her phone. She knew that Anya wasn't asking about the party like normal people would ask their friends. Anya was asking about how wasted she had really been and she smiled.

_**Lexa (9:38am):** I did not drink._

At the other side of the town, Anya dropped her toothbrush when she read Lexa's message.

_**Anya (9:39am):** you didn't?_

_**Lexa (9:39am):** Nope._

_**Anya (9:40am):** …okay can I please talk to lexa now?_

_**Lexa (9:41am):** Haha! I promised Clarke I would stay away from hard liquor, so I did not drink... first time._

Lexa hesitated for a moment but Anya was her best friend, and she deserved to know about the changes in her life, so she typed in a second message.

_**Lexa (9:42am):** Actually, last night was a night of a few first times... I had my first kiss. And I let Clarke touch me. I mean, touch me. And it was okay... I know what you think and I know you mean well, but I'm in love with her. Really in love._

Anya dropped her toothbrush once again.

_**Anya (9:43am):** did you just laugh?… but seriously though, I don't really know what to say because there are so many... news. GOOD news! Lex I'm seriously speechless right now and that's a good thing. I just love you so much! you deserve to be happy and clarke seems to be a good catch. I'm happy for you, I mean it. go for it tiger xxx_

Lexa read the message, over and over again. Anya had never said anything like that before, she had never really talked about her thoughts, not like that, and Lexa knew that it was because Anya wanted to protect her and not risk to hurt her. She had just discovered a new side of Anya. The _normal friend_ side, and she smiled.

_**Lexa (9:46am):** Thank you. I love you, too. x_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I receive so many beautiful comments on this story. I don't even know where to start, it's really overwhelming to have so much positive and touching feedback. This story means a lot to me and I'm glad that it is so well received by you guys, especially because it has a lot of sensitive topics.  
> Again, I don't know what to say. Thank you all. So much. <3


	13. Chapter 13

Lincoln sucked in a sharp breath before he knocked. He knew how much the movie theater meant to Lexa and he was more than afraid to tell her about his plans of moving on from it. He slowly opened the door, just to see an eyebrows furrowed Lexa at her desk.

"Lincoln, hey!" She smiled as she turned her head to face him, and he stopped in his motions for a second.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

He narrowed his eyes, "Are... are you on drugs or something?"

Lexa copied his narrowed eyes, "No?"

He let out a small laugh. "It's just that I've never... seen you smile actually."

Lexa gulped at his words. She knew how she appeared to others, and she knew that she was hard and unemotional on the outside but hearing what he said pierced to her heart since she had just so recently found out that she could indeed be happy.

"Sorry I didn't mean to–" he cleared his throat, "I just wanted to... speak with you about something."

Lexa nodded and gestured for him to sit down on the small couch on the other side of the room.

He squeezed his eyes close for a second, focusing on his next words to get them out as quickly as possible.

"I was offered a job at the gym around the corner. It's much closer than the theater and they actually pay better since they want to make me a personal trainer and that means that I will– umm, I just finished my letter of resignation and I was hoping that–" he paused his rambling as he noticed Lexa's soft eyes and her warm smile, "you would..." he stopped and furrowed his brows when she took the paper from his hands and signed it without any kind of questioning or hesitation, "accept it?"

Lexa nodded and handed the letter back to him, "Of course. I'm sorry to hear about your decision but I understand it, and since I cannot offer you a raise, it's more than reasonable." Smiling she got up and offered him a handshake, "But if you want to see a movie, I'd be happy if you stopped by."

She laughed when he opened his mouth but closed it again, visibly confused about the entire situation, until he finally accepted her handshake. "Thank you so much, Lexa. And yeah, I will definitely stop by to see a movie!"

She nodded, "All the best, Lincoln."

"Thank you! … all the best to you, too! And if I may add... it's good to see you smile. Whatever it is that makes you happy, keep it." And with that, he turned around and left the room.

 _I will_ , she thought.

 

* * *

 

After she had finished work and gone home, Lexa had taken a long shower and then started cooking dinner, and it was the first time in months that she actually felt some kind of appetite. Her lips immediately curled up into a smile when she heard Clarke open the door.

"Hey babe, sorry I'm late!" Clarke rambled while throwing her bag to the side, and then made her way to Lexa. "Mind if I take a quick shower?" She asked while leaving a swift kiss on the brunette's cheek and then, without bothering to wait for an answer, disappeared into the bathroom.

Lexa let out a laugh. "Towels are in the cabinet behind the door!" She yelled and shook her head at the loud rumbling in the bathroom. _"Found them!"_

Dinner was ready just in time when Clarke left the bathroom and Lexa's heartbeat sped up at the blonde woman who wore nothing but the towel wrapped around her.

"Totally forgot to bring any new clothes, could I maybe borrow some of yours?" Clarke asked, her cheeks slightly blushing.

A smirking Lexa nodded and went to her closet to get some fresh clothes and jumped when she turned around to Clarke standing only a few inches away from her. "Thanks." The blonde grinned and reached out to take the clothes, but Lexa dropped them and grabbed the upper end of Clarke's towel instead to pull her in for a passionate kiss.

It did not take Clarke more than a second to overcome the slight shock and melt into the kiss. Her knees weakened when she felt Lexa's tongue brush over her bottom lip and she instantly granted entrance. Her hands wandered to the brunette's hips when she heard the soft moan that escaped Lexa when their tongues met, and she pulled her impossibly closer when she felt Lexa moving her hand away, and the towel dropped.

Clarke only snapped back to reality when Lexa pushed her against the closet and left her lips to move over the blonde's jawline and down to her neck, and Clarke gently but firmly laid her hand on the brunette's chest to push her away. Not much, but as far away as was needed to show Lexa that this was too much, but it did not help.

"Please, Clarke" Lexa breathed against her neck, grabbing the blonde's hand to move it away from her chest, but Clarke raised her second hand to the woman's shoulder and finally, Lexa stopped to look at her.

"Lexa... I don't want you to do anything that you're not... ready for." She said softly and stepped to the side to create a proper distance between them. She was well aware of her naked body and Lexa's darkened eyes moving down and back up.

"I _am_ ready for this."

"Lexa..." Clarke started again. "This is a big step and I think we should... wait."

She sighed and made a small step forward to gently tuck a strand behind the brunette's ear. "It's not that I don't want you, Lexa." Her lips formed the shadow of a warm smile. "You're so, _so_ beautiful and I want to touch every inch of your body, and I want to feel things with you." She said softly and took another step forward until their faces were close enough again for them to feel the other's breath. "But not today."

Lexa nodded and closed her eyes when Clarke's flawless naked body closed the gap and pressed into her front as Clarke pulled her into a tender embrace. "I love you, Lexa." Clarke whispered softly, and Lexa felt the first tear slowly rolling down her cheek.


	14. Chapter 14

"Lexa?" Clarke looked around the open apartment. She had woken up to an empty bed but assumed that Lexa was using the bathroom, but it had been minutes and she still hadn't come back.

The scent of their dinner was still in the air, they hadn't touched it. Clarke had begged for Lexa to eat something but deep down she had known it was useless. Not eating was Lexa's way of coping with worse pain, and she let her. For now.

Clarke sighed and got up, an uncomfortable feeling spreading through her body when she spotted the glimmer of light peaking through the closed bathroom door. She quietly took a deep breath and knocked.

_Nothing._

"Lexa?" She tried again, but still no answer. "I'm coming in, okay?" She waited for several seconds but couldn't hear anything, no answer, no sound, so she slowly opened the door.

The picture before her was what similar to what she had expected. Lexa was, again, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bathtub with tucked up legs, her forearms resting on her knees. But her face wasn't buried in her arms, instead her chin was raised and she looked right into Clarke's eyes.

Clarke slowly released her breath. In the corner of her eye, she had immediately spotted the empty bottle and the razor blade in a small puddle of blood, but she kept her eyes locked with the brunette's and slowly kneeled down in front of her. And just like the first day she had seen Lexa like this, she reached out, and Lexa, again, slightly winced but let the touch happen.

"I thought I could do it but I can't." Lexa slurred and Clarke's heart broke a little more. It wasn't because Lexa had given in to the booze, and it wasn't because Lexa had given in to the blade. It was because Lexa hurt, and although Clarke didn't know what to do, she knew exactly why it was. She had pushed Lexa away, and a rejection was the last thing Lexa could handle at the moment. However, Clarke wasn't sure whether the situation would be any different now if she'd had let Lexa sleep with her, but she could not have risked it.

"I'm sorry, Clarke." Lexa whispered and the blonde shook her head, her thumb still softly stroking the other woman's knee but she remained silent. There was nothing she could answer.

"You shouldn't see me like this..." Lexa continued but paused as her gaze dropped to Clarke's hand. "You can go if you want."

"I'm not leaving you, Lexa." Clarke stated dryly, but her voice was soft. "And now get up, please. I want to see the cut and clean it and check whether I have to stitch it, okay?" She asked and got up, Lexa's eyes following her in disbelief. _Why is she still here?_

"Can you stand?"

Lexa nodded and carefully got up as well, unsure whether she really could stand and it was difficult indeed to keep her balance but somehow, she managed, and slowly walked back to her bed.

Before helping Lexa with her t–shirt, Clarke gently cupped her cheeks and left a soft kiss on the brunette's forehead, and then, well aware of Lexa grimacing in pain as she raised her arms, she pulled the shirt off.

"Can you please lay down?" Clarke finally said after several seconds of staring at the bare stomach in front of her. She had expected one new cut, or maybe two, but there were at least four. It was hard to tell because most of the skin was covered in half dried blood. _Pull yourself together, Clarke. Stop your hands from shaking. Be strong! … Be strong for Lexa._ she thought as she began to carefully wipe away the blood, and she counted five cuts. Deep cuts. She would have to stitch them all, but from the state of drunkenness Lexa was in, she wasn't sure whether painkillers would have any effect.

"Babe I have to disinfect the wounds, okay?" Clarke paused. "This will hurt."

Lexa knitted her eyebrows and then, she laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"You're warning me about pain, when actually... this is exactly what I'm seeking right now." She explained calmly and her words pierced to Clarke's heart more than she had been prepared for, and it took her everything to not let the tears come up.

 

* * *

 

Lexa had felt the demons slowly crawl up her back but her exhaustion had taken away any ability to fight them, so in the end, she had given in. She had downed half the bottle before going to the bathroom, and she had looked at Clarke with every sip she took, until she couldn't take it any longer.

She knew she had broken the promise, again, and she was prepared for the blonde to leave her. She knew she had done everything wrong, she had almost forced Clarke to sleep with her, she had insisted that she was ready when really, she wasn't, and Clarke had known.

The cuts had helped, momentarily, and she had known she was fucked, but when Clarke opened the door, she realized how much she had not only hurt herself but also the beautiful blonde who was always there for her, always had been and probably always would be. And this realization had hurt her so much more.

Clarke had stitched and patched up the wounds, she had brought her a glass and made sure she would drink at least three glasses of water, she had tucked them in, and she had been holding her until now.

Lexa hoped the blonde would fall asleep soon, but she knew that Clarke would stay awake until she herself fell asleep. It wasn't about control or making sure Lexa wouldn't slip again, it was because Clarke wanted Lexa to know that she was there for her, that she wasn't alone, no matter what.

And slowly, Lexa felt anger boil up inside her. Clarke deserved better. She had been okay with her life, she had found a way to deal with things, be it the alcohol or the lack of sleep or the episodes of malnutrition, but she had found her way. And now Clarke was in her life, the breathtaking woman with that heart of gold, who just refused to leave Lexa alone with her thoughts and demons, refused to give up on her.

Although Clarke had worn a calm mask, Lexa could sense how much seeing her like that had bothered her. And again, more than sadness, she felt anger.

"Clarke?" She said quietly and immediately felt the body behind her pull her a little closer, as if to tell her she was there.

"Yeah?"

Lexa closed her eyes to prevent the first tear from falling. Clarke's voice was so soft and so, so full of love and again, she asked herself what she had done to have a person like Clarke in her life, why a person like Clarke _wanted_ to be in her life.

"You should go."

"Lexa..." Clarke began to softly stroke the brunette's arm, still holding her. "I'm not going anywhere. I want to be here for you... I want you to know that I'm here for you." Lexa felt a soft kiss on her shoulder. "I love you, Lexa. Please let me."

"You deserve so much better than me." Lexa tried again, her voice obviously shaking now, and Clarke sighed and shook her head.

"Babe, no... I deserve exactly this. _We_ deserve this. We deserve being together, with each other. We deserve falling asleep together and waking up together. We deserve love, Lexa..." Clarke softly kissed the back of Lexa's neck before she whispered, " _You_ deserve love."


	15. Chapter 15

Clarke woke up to the first sunrays peaking through the half closed curtains, painting the apartment in light pink. Clarke had stayed awake long after Lexa's breathing had evened out, watching the brunette sleep, and Clarke had, once again, been surprised how peaceful Lexa looked when the sleep softened the winkles on her forehead.

The blonde yawned and stretched her sleepy limbs and turned around, not surprised to find the other side of the bed empty. What kept her from having yet another panic attack was the scent of fresh coffee, which meant that Lexa could not be too far away. Her eyes wandered to the open kitchen, but Lexa was nowhere to be seen. Clarke sighed and got up, wrapped herself in her blanket and sleepily shuffled to the coffee machine to pour herself a cup of the desperately needed beverage.

While sipping her coffee, the blonde thought about all the places Lexa could have gone, and she opted for her movie theater. Clarke knew that this was the place where Lexa felt safe, she would try it there.

It was still early in the morning, and Clarke's first class was at ten, which meant she had around four hours before she had to show up at work, enough time to get ready for the day and find Lexa, or at least give her a call.

After a shower, the blonde put on her jacket, pocketed her phone and pulled the door closed behind her, but stopped when her eyes found a familiar figure sitting on the steps in front of her. Her lips curled up into a soft smile when she sat down next to the brunette.

"I thought you already left, I was about to stop by at the theater." She explained and nudged Lexa encouragingly. The brunette nodded but did not meet her eyes, instead kept staring into the distance.

"If you want we can meet for dinner later?" She tried again but Lexa remained silent. Clarke sighed and dropped her head, her gaze fixed on her fingers that were playing with one of her colorful bracelets.

"Lex, about yesterday–"

"Don't."

Clarke's head shot up at Lexa's harsh and short answer. Her voice was cold and distant. The blonde studied her for a few seconds, then carefully reached out to gently stroke Lexa's arm, but the brunette shrugged her off.

"Lexa, I'm not…", she paused for a moment when Lexa's eyes met hers; eyes full of anger, yet empty, but continued after taking a deep breath, "I'm not mad at you. And I'm not disappointed. I need you to know that."

Huffing, Lexa nodded and turned her head away, drawing her focus back to nothing in particular in front of her.

"There's no need to lie to me, Clarke." She began, and Clarke opened her mouth to protest but closed it again, not sure what to answer at all, and instead listened to what Lexa had to say.

"Don't tell me you're not disappointed. I've broken every promise, I've hurt you so many times. That's how it'll always be. I know that I'm a mess. I'm aware. And I've been a mess for a long time, but I've found a way to deal with it. You're driven to fix everything for everyone, Clarke, but you cannot fix this…", Lexa paused, her lips forming a small smile, "you cannot fix me."

Clarke released a shaky breath. What Lexa had just said hurt, more than she had been prepared for, but she wouldn't back off now, she wouldn't leave Lexa. She closed her eyes for a second until she was sure the tears won't appear and betray her, and looked back at Lexa. "Why do you keep running away from me?"

Lexa sighed. "Because I can't control myself. And if I don't stay away from you, I do… things. You saw that yesterday. I just don't want to pull you into that abyss with me. You deserve better than that."

Clarke's features softened and she reached out again in a new attempt to comfort the brunette, and this time, Lexa did not fight her touch. Clarke carefully took her hand and intertwined their fingers. Softly stroking the back of Lexa's hand with her thumb, she spoke. "Lexa… what I saw yesterday was a beautiful, strong woman who is fighting her demons, who is trying to leave her past behind and try again. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm proud of you and I want to help and support you. Because I care about you, Lexa. You're not alone in this."

Clarke brought their hands up and gently kissed the brunette's knuckles, patiently waiting for her answer, but Lexa stayed silent. After long moments, Clarke squeezed her hand encouragingly. "Penny for your thoughts?"

Lexa's features softened and her cheek twitched into a small one–sided smile. She slowly breathed out and looked at the blonde with soft eyes before letting go of her hand. "I don't want your help, Clarke." And with that, she got up, walked towards her car, climbed in, looked at Clarke one more time and then drove off.

 

* * *

 

**_Thursday_ **

_**Clarke (9:50am):** First class in 10 minutes. I need coffee. I hope you have a good day at work. Take care of the projectors, and especially the popcorn machine! x_

_**Clarke (1:03pm):** Lunch break and I forgot to pack any lunch so I have to eat canteen food. Well, F me._

_**Clarke (7:22pm):** Finally home. How was your day? xx_

_*_

**_Friday_ **

_**Clarke (5:39am):** Couldn't sleep. Was thinking of you. I miss you. Text me when you're ready, I'll be waiting. x_

_**Clarke (11:11pm):** It's 11:11… make a wish. xx_

_*_

**_Saturday_ **

_**Clarke (1:17am):** Lexa, please just tell me that you're okay. I know that you need time, and I won't push you. If you don't want to be with me anymore, I'll accept it. I just want to know that you're okay._

_**Clarke (8:05pm):** Please_

_*_

**_Sunday_ **

_**Clarke (3:07am):** Lexa?_

_*Not Delivered*_


	16. Chapter 16

Lexa unlocked her door and stepped in, almost knocking over her guitar in the process. She slurred an apology towards the instrument and moved over to the stereo to plug her phone in, set the music on shuffle and walked to her kitchen to store the new bottles away. She let out a sharp laugh when she heard the first chords of the song. "Of course my phone would pick something like that", she said in a sarcastic tone and poured herself a glass of the _Caol Ila_. She knew this whiskey was expensive for a reason because one did not use it to get hammered, but Lexa could not care less; It mixed well with her hand–rolled cigarettes. She took a sip, letting the smoky taste burn into her tongue and her throat, before she lit her cigarette. Lazily taking a drag, she made her way to her bed and turned up the volume when she passed the record player.

 _You once said,_  
_I'll never walk away,_  
_I'll never sail away,_  
_I'll never go_

Lexa smiled weakly, well aware of what lines where yet to come.

_And I was there standing outside your door  
Waiting for you to show me how to stay_

She had typed in so many messages, miserable attempts to answer Clarke, reach out to her, but in the end, she had given up. She didn't know what to say. She did not want Clarke's help, she wanted Clarke to leave her alone. She wanted Clarke to go on with her life. But she also wanted nothing more than to hold the blonde woman that had stolen her heart the first time she saw her. Hold her as tightly as she could, hold her and never let her go, ever again.

 _I've been there before,_  
_Hoping and trying to make things right_  
_But now I don't know_  
_Honey, these arms that once held you are  
_ _Ready to fight_

Lexa emptied two more glasses before the song was over, and groaned when the next song started. She puffed out the smoke and poured herself another glass. Over the past days, she had replayed the scene in front of her house over and over again, brooding about everything that had been said, trying to think of what she could have said instead to change the outcome, to hurt Clarke less, but she knew that there was nothing else she could have said. Clarke deserved the truth, she deserved to know that Lexa was a helpless case. She sighed and took another drag of her cigarette.

_I am your worst, I am your worst nightmare_

She had read Clarke's texts, over and over again. She had tried to answer her, she really had. She had given up soon enough though, switched off her phone and busied herself with work. Going to the theater much earlier than necessary, leaving much later than usual. She took extra shifts, doing Lincoln's work as well as her own, anything she could to distract her mind. She wanted to just make it through another day, nothing more.

_Because they took our love and they filled it up  
Filled it up with novocaine and now I'm just numb_

_I'm just a problem that doesn't wanna be solved  
So could you please hold your applause_

Clarke had stopped writing her on Sunday, three days after Lexa had left her on the stairs in front of her apartment. Lexa wasn't sure, either it was Wednesday or Thursday now, she was too drunk to remember and too tired to care.

Anya had tried to talk to her, of course she had noticed the shift in her friend's mood, but Lexa had pushed her away and shrugged it off. She didn't want Anya to know that, once again, she had failed. She didn't want Anya to know that she had hurt Clarke, knowingly. Lexa sometimes had no control over the things she said, her mind was too fucked up, and she knew it. That's why, although she never wanted to hurt Clarke, she had done it anyway.

Lexa groaned when she raised the bottle, only to realize it was empty. She got up, almost falling back onto the bed, but she quickly caught her balance. With a smirk on her face, she watched her favorite men in the kitchen, waiting for her to drown herself in them. She let her gaze wander over the bottles; _Jim, Jack, Johnny, Jose…_ She chose _Jack._ Always a good option. He never disappointed her when she needed to get drunk fast.

 

* * *

 

Clarke poured herself a cup of tea and carefully sat down on her couch to not spill any of it. She had not touched any alcoholic drink since she had witnessed one of Lexa's breakdowns for the first time. A tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away with her sleeve. It had been three days since she last tried to contact Lexa, but the message hadn't been delivered. Lexa's words were loud, her decision clear, and even if it hurt Clarke, everyday, she respected the brunette's wish. There was nothing she could do now. She had considered going to Lexa's apartment but she did not want to upset the woman even more. So she stayed at home, went to work, and back home. Raven had invited her to go out with her and their friends, but she had rejected the offer. Raven had invited her to a movie night as well, just the two of them, but the blonde had again rejected any offer.

Clarke sighed, put on her headphones and set her playlist to shuffle, then leaned back on her couch and closed her eyes.

 _You were the shadow to my light_  
_Did you feel us_  
_Another start_  
_You fade away_

Clarke's tears were now streaming freely, but she didn't notice. And if she did, she did not care. Everything about this song was Lexa and she. She thought back to the moment she found Lexa on the bathroom floor, devastated, helpless and broken. She thought back to their first kiss and smiled at the memory, a new wave of tears building up at the same time.

 _Afraid our aim is out of sight_  
_Wanna see us alive_  
_Where are you now_

Clarke picked up her phone and a heavy sob escaped her when she looked at her screen, showing a photo of Lexa sleeping with a soft, peaceful look on her face, and Clarke's heart broke at the thought that she might never see that again. The screen of her phone went black.

 _Was it all in my fantasy?_  
_Where are you now?_  
_Were you only imaginary?_

Clarke slowly released her breath and closed her eyes, only to be met by Lexa's face yet again. _Where are you now?_ She mumbled.

The tea grew cold beside her as Clarke fell asleep, her tears slowly drying on her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> [Roby Fayer – “Ready To Fight (Ft.Tom Gefen)”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy-5efgUncY)  
> [Fall Out Boy – “Novocaine”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjtNPyVwMps)  
> Alan Walker – “Faded”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first three songs are definitely some favorites of mine, they always remind me of Clexa. (Okay who am I kidding; _most_ of the songs I used for this story are my favorites and remind me of them.)  <3

Lexa had left work early after Anya had threatened to burn down the theater if Lexa didn't go home and at least ate something. Now she was standing in her kitchen, looking into her fridge with a long sigh, because apart from beer and some ginger, it was depressingly empty. She closed it and vigorously scratched her arm, trying to control her anger but before she could stop herself, she had thrown her fist into the wall next to her. Four times, five times, she didn't know. All she could think about was the blonde woman she missed so much. The memory came back from when Clarke had taken her to the grocery store, and now the images of a laughing Clarke flooded her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the bright blue eyes, so full of life, and tried to focus on the music instead. She shook her head and opened a beer.

 _Take me high and I'll sing_  
_Oh you make everything okay_  
_We are one in the same_  
_Oh you take all of the pain away_  
_Save me if I become_  
_My demons_

She skillfully emptied the beer in record time and stared out of the window. She had enough time to get drunk before she went to bed. Enough time to shut up her thoughts.

 _I cannot stop this sickness taking over_  
_It takes control and drags me into nowhere_  
_I need your help, I can't fight this forever_

Feeling anger boil up inside of her, Lexa rounded the kitchen counter and scrolled through the music app on her phone, until her eyes caught a playlist she hadn't noticed before. With a furrowed forehead, she clicked on it and scrolled through the songs. They definitely weren't her choice of music. Clarke must have created the playlist. Lexa froze for some long moments, her thumb hovering over _Play,_ until she hesitantly clicked it. The first notes of ' _Higher'_ by _Tobu_ filled her apartment, and for the first time in two weeks, Lexa didn't feel empty. She felt a tear escape her eye. She had been thinking so much of Clarke, but her thoughts were usually darkened by the soundtrack she preferred. Letting out a shaky breath, she opened the messaging app.

_**Lexa (7:58pm):** I'm sorry_

She waited for several long moments, it could have been twenty minutes, it could have been two hours, before she put her phone back on the counter. Clarke had not answered and Lexa knew she wouldn't. It's been two weeks since she made clear that she didn't want her help. She didn't know what she had expected when she sent the message. Of course, Clarke wouldn't reply. Lexa chose to focus back on Clarke's playlist, the only thing she had from her, the only thing that helped her be close to the blonde.

The next song began and she opened another beer. She had heard it before but never really paid attention to it. It was different from the rest of the playlist, she noticed. Much more like the music she usually listened to. She grabbed her beer and a bottle of hard liquor and turned around to start her journey to her bed when she saw her. Clarke was leaning against the wall next to the apartment door, her soft eyes patiently watching her, a shadow of a warm smile playing around her lips. Lexa froze and slowly lowered the bottles in her hands. The lyrics suddenly became painfully clear and she dropped her head, not sure what to say or do. Clarke let her.

 _They say before you start a war_  
_You better know what you're fighting for_  
_Well baby, you are all that I adore_  
_If love is what you need, a soldier I will be_

Clarke slowly walked towards Lexa who still was too afraid to look at her, too afraid she would be gone, that this was just a trick her mind played, just an imagination.

 _I'm an angel with a shotgun_  
_Fighting 'til the war's won_  
_I don't care if heaven won't take me back_

_I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe  
Don't you know you're everything I have?_

_And I, wanna live, not just survive, tonight_

Fate had strange ways to make itself known, and this was one of them. It couldn't be a coincidence that this song had started just when Clarke had entered her apartment.

Lexa knew what Clarke was trying to tell her with this song. Clarke had not given up on her, and she would never. No matter how often Lexa pushed her away. _I wanna live not just survive_ echoed in her head.

The song slowly faded out and Lexa raised her head, immediately meeting Clarke's eye, a tear escaping her own. Clarke had been watching her throughout the entire song. She was leaning against the kitchen counter now and smiled warmly when she heard the first line of the next song.

_She's another victim of life, we've come to know_

"Come here." She said softly and held out her hand.

_She's from a long lost tribe looking for the light_

Lexa put the bottles on the counter and took Clarke's hand who gently pulled the brunette closer until she could wrap her other arm around the woman's waist.

 _Or a friend to hold her hand  
_ _She's doing the best she can_

Lexa slowly raised her eyes and met Clarke's, the blonde's lips forming a warm smile, until she grabbed the back of Lexa's neck and pulled her in for a tender kiss as the chorus started.

 _Are we all just satellites?_  
_Where's the love? Show me tonight  
_ _Here's the moment we unite_

Long moments of lips softly, carefully moving together passed, their surroundings long forgotten. Lexa gently held the blonde's hips while Clarke moved her other hand up to wrap her arms around Lexa's neck to be closer. The second verse played and blurred into the bridge. With a soft squeeze on Clarke's hips, Lexa pulled away and warm green met deep blue, and when Lexa's lips formed a small smile, Clarke dropped her hands Lexa's hips to gently push her backwards, until Lexa softly bumped against the edge of the bed and slowly sat down.

_Did you know none of it's real if you can't feel_

_The beating of someone's heart_

They moved upwards the bed and Clarke carefully positioned herself above Lexa, who cupped the blonde's cheeks,

_Don't leave yourself in the dark_

and pulled her in for another kiss.

 _Where's the love? Show me tonight  
_ _Here's the moment we unite_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: [Starset – "My Demons"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOOcu1IwOZ4)  
> [Tobu – “Higher”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blA7epJJaR4)  
> [The Cab – “Angel With A Shotgun”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQKMLmXc0xo)  
> [James Blunt – Satellites](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Mx-bcLkb-E)


	18. Chapter 18

Lexa woke up in the early morning hours. Her heart instantly picked up on speed when images of the previous night came to her mind. How Clarke had looked at her, asking her if she was okay. How careful Clarke had been, how she had made sure that she did not hurt her. Lexa had reassured her, over and over again, that this was what she wanted, that she was the one she wanted to make this experience with, because she trusted her. Clarke had been careful and gentle, and soon enough, Lexa had found herself losing control over her mind and her body, but Clarke had been there to catch her.

Lexa turned to her side and smiled when she saw the blonde lying next to her, sleeping soundly, her flawless body only covered with the thin sheet. Lexa reached out and softly brushed a blonde strand out of her face.

She had no idea what she had done to have a person like Clarke in her life, but she knew she was not worthy of such an angel. She lowered her gaze and focused on Clarke's hand which had done beautiful things to her a few hours ago, and the brunette knitted her eyebrows. She felt the shadow slowly crawling up her neck, her arms were already itchy.

Of course they wouldn't leave her alone. She shouldn't even have tried to think that she could lead a normal life, a life with someone like Clarke by her side. How could she be so naïve to think that she deserved something like happiness.

"Morning," Clarke's soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she looked back up.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

Clarke smiled and shook her head. "You didn't." Her smile slightly disappeared when she saw Lexa's wrinkled forehead. She reached out and brushed her thumb over Lexa's skin until the brunette's features softened a bit.

"What's going on in this beautiful head of yours?" Clarke whispered, the worry evident in her voice. Lexa shook her head.

"Lexa…" Clarke tried again, "please talk to me."

"Why did you sleep with me?"

Clarke sighed and propped herself up on her elbow. "I… because when you said you're sorry, I… God, I've missed you so much. _So,_ so much and when you sent me that text and I knew you were alive and you still… wanted to talk to me, and when I saw you then…" Clarke paused to suck in a shaky breath and held it for several seconds, before she continued, "I wanted to be close to you.  _Needed_ to be close to you."

Lexa nodded but remained silent.

The blonde waited for a moment, trying to gather up enough courage to ask the question that had been bugging her since she had woken up. "Lex, please be honest… do you regret last night? Did I hurt you?"

Lexa frowned, her pulse instantly quickening. "Of course not. Clarke, I– that wasn't what I… no. It was beautiful. _You_ were beautiful."

Clarke nodded and relaxed. She knew that rape victims could have a distorted attitude toward sex, some stayed away from it completely, some became overly excessive, and some, like Lexa, were just hurt and broken. Clarke was sure she had been even more afraid than Lexa before their first time, because she wanted nothing more than to show Lexa how beautiful she was, how perfect she was, that it wasn't her fault what had happened to her, that it wasn't her fault what was still happening to her. That she wasn't alone in this battle. Clarke wanted Lexa to know that she was safe with her, that she could trust her.

Clarke had wanted to wait until Lexa was truly ready, she knew she hadn't been when she kissed her against the closet. But now it had been different. Lexa hadn't looked at her with desperate eyes. She had been patient and vulnerable instead. She had let Clarke guide her, she had given Clarke every bit of control, she had trusted her.

But Clarke also knew what was going on in Lexa's head now. The doubt, the regret, the slowly shutting herself away.

The brunette closed her eyes, struggling to phrase her thoughts. "I just feel like I'm not… worthy of you. You're such a… such a–" Lexa tried again but her own sobbing cut her off. Clarke took her hand, intertwined their fingers and patiently waited for her to continue.

"It's just that you shouldn't have because I'm so…" Lexa looked around the apartment, searching for the word that described her thought, "dirty."

Clarke pulled her closer and guided Lexa to rest her head in the crook of Clarke's neck. She slowly began to stroke the soft brown mane that tickled her arm. "Shh," she whispered when she more felt than heard Lexa's sobs. "Lexa… don't think this way about yourself. Please don't."

The brunette sucked in a breath, ready to protest but Clarke shook her head. "No. It's not the truth. It's not. You're wonderful and beautiful and _so_  strong. And I'm glad that you trusted me enough to let me show you exactly this. Show you how much you mean to me. I love you, Lexa, I love you the way you need me to. Whatever way that is, I'll be here. I won't give up on you… I won't leave you."

Neither said anything else after this, Clarke kept caressing the brunette's back until she heard Lexa's breathing calming down and felt her head become heavier against her neck. The blonde let out a content sigh. Lexa had listened to her and although she had wanted to protest, she had let Clarke speak what's on her mind, and she had stayed silent afterwards which meant she was taking in what Clarke had said. And now she was asleep, with that peaceful look on her face that Clarke would give anything for to see but she did not want to move and risk waking Lexa up.

 

* * *

 

Clarke had fallen asleep shortly after Lexa, and they both had woken up around noon. Lexa had been untypically quiet for the rest of the day, much more than usual. Clarke was slightly worried but she also knew that there was a lot that Lexa was dealing with right now, especially after last night, so she gave her the space the brunette obviously needed. She had watched Lexa working in her backyard, taking care of her flowers, digging around and watering them, and after a while she had let a certain part of her mind take over.

While watching how the sun played with Lexa's hair, painting the brown in a golden tone, Clarke thought about the scars that covered her body, especially her stomach and her thighs. She wondered what had happened to that beautiful woman in front of her, the woman that saved ladybugs from sidewalks, the woman that almost didn't dare to touch the flowers because she was afraid to hurt them. She wondered how young Lexa had been, how long it had been going on, how long she'd had to suffer, and she wondered who could be so bestial to do something so cruel to a person like Lexa.

She had seen a photo of Lexa where she had been five or maybe six, her hair a wild untamed mane, her smile so wide and pure, her eyes so full of life that Clarke almost hadn't recognized her. A tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek at the thought of someone hurting this young Lexa so much, breaking her for the rest of her life.

The worst part was that Lexa still blamed herself for what happened. She was convinced that it had been her fault, she was convinced that she wasn't worthy of love, that she didn't deserve love, didn't deserve happiness. Peace.

When the sun slowly disappeared behind the horizon, Lexa finally stood and straightened her back, her gaze wandering over the flower beds and she nodded with a small smile, content with the result.

Clarke got up from the stairs, slowly walked across the backyard and slid her arms around Lexa's waist from behind, resting her chin on the brunette's shoulder, who brushed her thumb over Clarke's hand.

"Thank you, Clarke."

The blonde nodded.

"I love you, too." Lexa almost whispered.

Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa's body a little tighter.

"I want to get better, Clarke. I want to try and get better." Lexa released a shaky breath, "And I need your help."

"I'm here," Clarke promised, "I'll always be here."

 

 

_[The End.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApKeCjtVeRU) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a _wrap_ ! (And an easter egg ;) Did you find it?)  
>  Thanks for all these beautiful comments, thanks for all the kudos and follows! Thanks to all of you for reading this story, it means so much to me. 
> 
> Also, if you'd like to talk, you can reach me here or on [instagram](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas). You're welcome to write me anytime, and if you need to talk to someone, I'll be here to listen. Thanks again for all this beautiful feedback, it means the world to me.
> 
> I also made a [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/z9dcm1gungl7idpasv6s8yti2/playlist/7f0fuoafzFK2k9DKk6iRsP) for all the songs, in case you want to feel closer to (C)Lexa one more time ;)


End file.
